Fun with Extra Large
A regular history of Extra Large:
Here’s a story.
Once upon a time there was regular. Regular said “I’m hungry”. The more Regular fed, the more rotund it became. Soon, it was 32 ounces, double patties, and 60 inch bolts of fabric. And so it makes sense that from the loins of ounces, doubles, and bolts came that which we call extra large.
By this story it is fair to conclude that extra large exists in and of it self and quite possibly has been around as far back as 1992. Let us further explore its realm and allow it to explain itself.
Exercises:
Many words have prefixes. The prefix to Extra Large is in fact Extra. Let us define extra.
Extra Terrestrial = out of this world. In this case, extra means ‘out of.’
Extraordinary = unusual, not at all ordinary. In this case, extra means ‘not at all.’
Extract = cut out. In this case, extra means ‘ut ou’.
Extra sugar free gum = better than Wrigleys. And so extra means ‘better than.’
By these definitions, we conclude that Extra means ‘not at all out of, but better than ut ou.’
Now that we have defined ‘extra’, lets explore ‘large’. Since large is in and of itself its own definition, we can find meaning by those words which rhyme with it.
Barge = both a big boat and to enter uninvited. Here large means ‘uninvited boat’
Farge = falsify, create, kiln. We see here that large means to ‘create a fake furnace.’
Garge = where one parks ones car. Large means ‘storage.’
Marge = a person who may or may not be large. Large means ‘people.’
By these definitions, it is safe to say that a generalized definition for large is ‘to create a fake furnace for uninvited boats which store people.”
Our conclusion? Extra Large = not at all out of, but better than ut ou in creating fake furnaces for uninvited boats which store people.
It’s no wonder the phrase was shortened to ‘extra large’.
Try the following tongue twister. It may help clear up some of your confusion:
Extra Large barge holding aunt large Marge is in the garge.
Now that we better comprehend just what extra large means, let’s move on to the Extra Large Challenge.
Extra Large Challenge
1. For one full day, use ‘extra large’ when making requests. You will find that in many cases, the other person will not be taken aback by your request, such as in the phrase ‘I’d like an extra large value meal.’ In other cases, however, that will not be the case. When you say to someone, ‘Can I borrow your red dress? You know, the extra large one?’ you may not get the response you expect. Then again, you may.
2. Expand your list of extra large items. Using a very real phone, (perhaps your neighbors seeing as how everyone has caller ID), dial your local furniture store. Let then know you are seriously interested in refurnishing your home. The items you most need are a bed, couch, and dining chairs – ask if they have these items in an extra large size. Also, ask if they know any contractors who specialize in the expansion of hallways. Record your answers to share with your neighbor whose phone you used.
3. Rather than being just like the ‘in crowd’, this challenge will help you branch out, help you warm up those unused parts of your brain. For starters, memorize the phrase:
‘Not at all out of, but better than ut ou in creating fake furnaces for uninvited boats which store people.’
(Remember, this is the core definition for extra large.)
Visit your local clothing store, preferable somewhere with a sales lady who can assist you. Let her know you are looking for a certain shirt for a certain friend. Tell her that your friend needs ‘a size not at all out of, but better than ut ou in creating fake furnaces for uninvited boats which store people’. Not only will she know just what you’re talking about, she’ll be impressed with your lingo. Let her know that you’re ‘cool like that’ and ask her for the shirt.
Much good comes of proper knowledge.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
okay so.
okay so i realize that my speech center doesnt work right. just a minute ago jade asked me why the cookies were warm. I answered like this, ahem, "They're warm because of that thing, ya know, i just took 'em off the... and the pan... just a minute ago..."
She just looked at me.
Here's the thing is, that when stuff like this... and then i get confused... mental images and how to describe... nevermind.
She just looked at me.
Here's the thing is, that when stuff like this... and then i get confused... mental images and how to describe... nevermind.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
funniness
k so i heard something funny yesterday. it was this. ahem, rice is a funny food. It's like, i'm hungry...i want nine thousand of something.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Logbooks
You will likely and most definately need a logbook if you wish to take this blog as seriously as I do. Anything from a notebook to a compilation of saved napkins - rumpled or not.
Fun with Sticky
Fun with Sticky
You will need your logbook for these exercises.
Foreword: As you know, there is a legend which goes way back into the twentieth century about a man in ancient Oregon who was the proud owner of a Peanut Plantation. One day this man – we’ll call him Vilhelm – watched as a wild troop of rabid elephants stomped through his fields smashing the peanuts and their successors to smithereens. The peanuts, combined with off brand vegetable oil and a pinch of salt, formed a 227 gallon pool of sticky goo under the ground. Vilhelm, while inspecting the mess, stepped on a weak spot and fell into the slop. He was never seen again. The next day, Vilhelm was seen chasing children down the street, covered head to toe in peanut butter. He was known for the rest of his days as “Sticky Monster Man.”
Let us pay our respects to this legendary man by conducting some experiments.
1. Get some peanut butter.
2. Gather a heaping in the palm of your hand – which hand depends not, neither does it matter.
3. Spread the peanut butter around like you would lotion so that now it covers both hands. Here we see why it doesn’t matter which hand we started with.
4. Really glop it around.
5. Chase your children, your neighbor’s children, or any children you can find with your hands outstretched while announcing “Ugh! I’m the sticky monster!”
6. Log the children’s responses.
Our next experiment will have less to do with peanut butter and more to do with this next story.
Once upon a dinnertime, a woman by the name of Mrs. Dinnermaker was in fact making dinner. She cooked the spaghetti noodles to perfection and delicately poured them into a colander to strain. At precisely this same juncture, the doorbell rang. Mrs. Dinnermaker, with colander full of noodles in hand, went to answer it. The most ferocious sight lay before her on her porch. A man covered entirely with peanut butter waved his arms like an Unidentified Flinging Orangutan. In the background children ran screaming this way and that. Mrs. Dinnermaker threw up her arms in horror. The noodles she’d been holding leapt from the colander and, you’ll never believe this, they stuck to the ceiling. Both Mrs. Dinnermaker and the sticky man stopped screaming to ponder the noodles on the ceiling.
Let us practice the legacy Mrs. Dinnermaker started.
1. Gather anything you think may stick to the ceiling.
2. State aloud, “For Mrs. Dinnermaker!”
3. Throw your gatherings with a forceful upward motion.
4. Move out of the way.
5. Log which items stuck the best.
Our final story comes from the newspaper itself, along with the mouths of generations - much like the game ‘telephone’. Note: generations ago didn’t have telephones, nay – we’re talking the days when folks tied a string between two cups.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who stuck his head in a bucket.
He’d been unaware
Of the honey in there,
And the bucket was from then on Stucket.
Such a tragedy. Take note as I just now have that the sticky items we’ve explored are all edible.
1. The folks from Nantucket must not have much funding for their education system.
2. Even I know not to stick my head in a bucket.
Log the following story as a reminder of what not to do
You will need your logbook for these exercises.
Foreword: As you know, there is a legend which goes way back into the twentieth century about a man in ancient Oregon who was the proud owner of a Peanut Plantation. One day this man – we’ll call him Vilhelm – watched as a wild troop of rabid elephants stomped through his fields smashing the peanuts and their successors to smithereens. The peanuts, combined with off brand vegetable oil and a pinch of salt, formed a 227 gallon pool of sticky goo under the ground. Vilhelm, while inspecting the mess, stepped on a weak spot and fell into the slop. He was never seen again. The next day, Vilhelm was seen chasing children down the street, covered head to toe in peanut butter. He was known for the rest of his days as “Sticky Monster Man.”
Let us pay our respects to this legendary man by conducting some experiments.
1. Get some peanut butter.
2. Gather a heaping in the palm of your hand – which hand depends not, neither does it matter.
3. Spread the peanut butter around like you would lotion so that now it covers both hands. Here we see why it doesn’t matter which hand we started with.
4. Really glop it around.
5. Chase your children, your neighbor’s children, or any children you can find with your hands outstretched while announcing “Ugh! I’m the sticky monster!”
6. Log the children’s responses.
Our next experiment will have less to do with peanut butter and more to do with this next story.
Once upon a dinnertime, a woman by the name of Mrs. Dinnermaker was in fact making dinner. She cooked the spaghetti noodles to perfection and delicately poured them into a colander to strain. At precisely this same juncture, the doorbell rang. Mrs. Dinnermaker, with colander full of noodles in hand, went to answer it. The most ferocious sight lay before her on her porch. A man covered entirely with peanut butter waved his arms like an Unidentified Flinging Orangutan. In the background children ran screaming this way and that. Mrs. Dinnermaker threw up her arms in horror. The noodles she’d been holding leapt from the colander and, you’ll never believe this, they stuck to the ceiling. Both Mrs. Dinnermaker and the sticky man stopped screaming to ponder the noodles on the ceiling.
Let us practice the legacy Mrs. Dinnermaker started.
1. Gather anything you think may stick to the ceiling.
2. State aloud, “For Mrs. Dinnermaker!”
3. Throw your gatherings with a forceful upward motion.
4. Move out of the way.
5. Log which items stuck the best.
Our final story comes from the newspaper itself, along with the mouths of generations - much like the game ‘telephone’. Note: generations ago didn’t have telephones, nay – we’re talking the days when folks tied a string between two cups.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who stuck his head in a bucket.
He’d been unaware
Of the honey in there,
And the bucket was from then on Stucket.
Such a tragedy. Take note as I just now have that the sticky items we’ve explored are all edible.
1. The folks from Nantucket must not have much funding for their education system.
2. Even I know not to stick my head in a bucket.
Log the following story as a reminder of what not to do
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Fun with Fingers
Finger Fun
“Fingers are primarily responsible for most eye pokes that happen as the result of a finger.”
- author unknown
The origin of fingers:
The finger was first discovered in 1872, when British scholar Noble Fingerman first put his finger on the fact that the appendages extending from his hands had a mind of their own. Also known as Phalanges, these multi-taskers had Mr. Fingerman shocked and amazed at how easily trainable they were. With brief counseling, and a little exercise, Noble taught his fingers to work for him, rather than against him.
Let’s explore the works of this little known man.
Fact: “Accidental” finger intrusions are not ever accidental at all. They happen because the finger is curious, anxious, or angry. Therefore, introducing your finger to various places and people with stop random poking instances, (or at least decrease them).
For the following exercises, you will need to determine which is your favorite finger. You needn’t state it aloud thus making the other nine jealous. Decide quietly. We will refer to this finger as Captain Comancho for the rest of its life.
Introductions
1. Get Captain Comancho used to different people and surroundings over the next several days. In order to do this successfully you must:
a. Allow the captain to explore at will. If he wants to know what it’s like inside your neighbor’s ear, show him.
b. Give him stern, but fair, instructions. Such as, “No Captain Comancho, you cannot explore the cavernous dark of my nostrils while I am paying the lovely cashier. Wait until we’re alone in the car.”
c. Always make your wishes known. The louder you speak to your finger, the better he, and others around you, will understand.
2. Force Captain Comancho to do things that might embarrass him. Though this is not always the best method of teaching, scientists have proven that in this instance it may or may not be the only solution to rid your finger of anxiety.
a. Submerge the captain’s head into the drink of the man standing next to you at the gas station fountain drink dispenser. Make sure that the man is equal to or smaller than your current build.
b. While standing in line for movie tickets, entangle Captain Comancho in the hair of the woman in front of you. Assure him that you’ll remove him once he calms down.
c. Smell the finger in public. Inform him that he needs a shower. Don’t let him hide from sight during your scolding.
You needn’t repeat the previous procedures for each finger. The others will watch and understand.
Finger Gestures
1. Practice forming your fingers in different ways. Put some down, leave some up. Cross them, bend them, lop them. Whatever you feel.
2. This exercise is quite simple and can be done from a sitting position.
3. Explore until you find your favorite gesture, preferably something no one has seen before, something that will stun them. Memorize it. Know it well enough to whip it up at a moments notice.
4. The next time someone is deserving, show them your gesture. Say to the person, “Do you see this? This is happening.” That’ll show ‘em.
5. This activity may or may not be laid back in the end.
Note of Interest: Captain Comancho may want to build strength as a means of protecting himself and the other nine from sudden and unexpected attacks due to provocation. Lead him in the physical strength building on the next page in order to ready him for what may or may not lie ahead.
Finger Strength Training
1. Can lift: In the grocery story, pick up a large can of spaghetti sauce using only Captain Comancho – he’ll never bulk up if his friends do everything for him.
2. Door open: Open every and all doors using only the captain. This may seen easy until you reach one of those doors with the thumb press thingy.
3. Push ups: Do 10 push ups with no other support than what Captain Comancho can offer. If he’s having a hard time, yell at him like a proper personal trainer would.
4. Fine Dining: go to a fancy restaurant and lift your spoon with only Captain Comancho. The pressure of those around watching will teach him grace and poise.
“Fingers are primarily responsible for most eye pokes that happen as the result of a finger.”
- author unknown
The origin of fingers:
The finger was first discovered in 1872, when British scholar Noble Fingerman first put his finger on the fact that the appendages extending from his hands had a mind of their own. Also known as Phalanges, these multi-taskers had Mr. Fingerman shocked and amazed at how easily trainable they were. With brief counseling, and a little exercise, Noble taught his fingers to work for him, rather than against him.
Let’s explore the works of this little known man.
Fact: “Accidental” finger intrusions are not ever accidental at all. They happen because the finger is curious, anxious, or angry. Therefore, introducing your finger to various places and people with stop random poking instances, (or at least decrease them).
For the following exercises, you will need to determine which is your favorite finger. You needn’t state it aloud thus making the other nine jealous. Decide quietly. We will refer to this finger as Captain Comancho for the rest of its life.
Introductions
1. Get Captain Comancho used to different people and surroundings over the next several days. In order to do this successfully you must:
a. Allow the captain to explore at will. If he wants to know what it’s like inside your neighbor’s ear, show him.
b. Give him stern, but fair, instructions. Such as, “No Captain Comancho, you cannot explore the cavernous dark of my nostrils while I am paying the lovely cashier. Wait until we’re alone in the car.”
c. Always make your wishes known. The louder you speak to your finger, the better he, and others around you, will understand.
2. Force Captain Comancho to do things that might embarrass him. Though this is not always the best method of teaching, scientists have proven that in this instance it may or may not be the only solution to rid your finger of anxiety.
a. Submerge the captain’s head into the drink of the man standing next to you at the gas station fountain drink dispenser. Make sure that the man is equal to or smaller than your current build.
b. While standing in line for movie tickets, entangle Captain Comancho in the hair of the woman in front of you. Assure him that you’ll remove him once he calms down.
c. Smell the finger in public. Inform him that he needs a shower. Don’t let him hide from sight during your scolding.
You needn’t repeat the previous procedures for each finger. The others will watch and understand.
Finger Gestures
1. Practice forming your fingers in different ways. Put some down, leave some up. Cross them, bend them, lop them. Whatever you feel.
2. This exercise is quite simple and can be done from a sitting position.
3. Explore until you find your favorite gesture, preferably something no one has seen before, something that will stun them. Memorize it. Know it well enough to whip it up at a moments notice.
4. The next time someone is deserving, show them your gesture. Say to the person, “Do you see this? This is happening.” That’ll show ‘em.
5. This activity may or may not be laid back in the end.
Note of Interest: Captain Comancho may want to build strength as a means of protecting himself and the other nine from sudden and unexpected attacks due to provocation. Lead him in the physical strength building on the next page in order to ready him for what may or may not lie ahead.
Finger Strength Training
1. Can lift: In the grocery story, pick up a large can of spaghetti sauce using only Captain Comancho – he’ll never bulk up if his friends do everything for him.
2. Door open: Open every and all doors using only the captain. This may seen easy until you reach one of those doors with the thumb press thingy.
3. Push ups: Do 10 push ups with no other support than what Captain Comancho can offer. If he’s having a hard time, yell at him like a proper personal trainer would.
4. Fine Dining: go to a fancy restaurant and lift your spoon with only Captain Comancho. The pressure of those around watching will teach him grace and poise.
Lost and Confused
Some of you - mostly and actually only just one of you, has informed me that i may or may not have left you lost and confused. Let's explore the following quote written by Horace McRandompants, it reads "ponderous moments call for such wonders as whether it is better to have read and lost intelect than to have not read at all."
That should clear things up a bit. Plus and also, I am posting a new "Fun with...", one that isn't so scary.
That should clear things up a bit. Plus and also, I am posting a new "Fun with...", one that isn't so scary.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Fun with Sounding Smart
Note to self:
Smart isn’t as much an adjective as it is a verb. If while stumbling over one’s own shoe, one is declaring smart proclamation, one is less likely to get laughed at and more likely to be helped back up.
1. We have no time to waste with this lesson.
2. Let us begin with contractions.
It is safe to assume you are less than smart since you are reading this lesson. It is for this reason that the following words may or may not treat you like an invalid.
Contractions, contrary to what pregnant women are taught, are actually the combining of two or more words to make a new word. Don’t let this frighten you, new words are a natural part of the smart sounding process.
Let us explore some contractions which sound smart when used alone or in accordance with other words. Don’t let the word accordance frighten you.
a. ‘tis
b. ‘twas
c. ‘twill
Let us explore a conversation in which these words make their user sound intelligent. Our friend’s names will be Bob and Roscoe. For obvious reasons, we will assume ‘tis Roscoe who needs smart sounding techniques.
Bob: “sup, dude? That was some show last night huh?”
Roscoe: “ ‘twas.”
Bob: “The hell does ‘twas mean? You think yur smart or sompn? That ain’t a word.”
Roscoe: “ ‘tis so a word.”
Bob: “K, seriously, yur freaking me out. Yur some Shakespeare geek now or something? That ain’t gonna help you with the ladies.
Roscoe: “Trust me, ‘twill.”
Note how Bob complimented his friend by using the words ‘smart’, ‘Shakespeare’, and ‘ladies’. Note the difference in our characters outfits. Bob is sloppy, clad in too-large carpenter shorts and sports a soft drink while Roscoe in his humble argyle sweater only drinks flavored water. Smart? I should say so.
These are not the only contractions which give depth to sentence structure. Practice creating your own. ‘tisn’t as difficult as it may or mayn’t seem.
3. Let us move on to ‘House of’.
What does ‘house of’ mean? Let’s explore it.
House: Structure built of straw, sticks, or brick which contains things of a personal nature. Let’s shorten it to ‘personal’.
Of: Connecting word, often associated with belongings or feelings. Here we’ll focus on the word ‘feelings’.
And so we see that ‘house of’ means ‘personal feelings’. It is important to learn to properly communicate feelings as a part of sounding smart. When one is blubbering about one’s hurt feelings, the rest of us think one is dull and out of balance. Whereas, if that same one strongly stated aloud, “House of distress!” the rest of us gain immediate understanding and appreciation that this person knows what he or she wants and communicates accordingly. This is a little known technique which may or may not be highly effective. Below is a list of ‘houses’. Feel free to add your own ideas in the spaces provided.
1. House of fuming!
2. House of gnashing my teeth!
3. House of hilarity!
4. House of on cloud nine!
5. House of morbidly depressed.
6. House of rebellion!
7. House of hot and bothered!
8. _________________________________________________________
9. _________________________________________________________
10. _________________________________________________________
Take note of when an exclamation should be used.
4. Stating Statements and Declaring Declarations.
It is okay and even recommended that the words ‘statement’ and ‘declaration’ are used daily, even hourly, even minutely.
“Will you do this one special thing for me?” sounds much less intelligent than, “I declare, will you do this one special thing for me?” Also try adding the above noted exclamation, “I declare! Will you do this one special thing for me?!”
5. Redundancies.
Words are powerful, especially in clusters of sameness and alikeness. Let me demonstrate. The italicized words should be your main focus: plus and also also and then. The words plus, also, and then, form a cluster. Now repeat the sentence aloud. Note how educated you sound. This concept alone will leave people flabbergasted. They may or may not know how to respond. You might use this particular sentence like this “I’m going to the market plus and also also and then I’ll be stopping by the video store. ‘twon’t take long.” – You’re practically ready for Harvard at this point.
6. Write an essay.
Scientists may or may not believe that writing enhances speaking. And so this very and only number six is an assignment to write an essay using what you’ve learned here and read it aloud to a very important group of people – say, you’re college writing 101 class. Take the time to make it extra special, wow them.
Note to self:
Smart isn’t as much an adjective as it is a verb. If while stumbling over one’s own shoe, one is declaring smart proclamation, one is less likely to get laughed at and more likely to be helped back up.
1. We have no time to waste with this lesson.
2. Let us begin with contractions.
It is safe to assume you are less than smart since you are reading this lesson. It is for this reason that the following words may or may not treat you like an invalid.
Contractions, contrary to what pregnant women are taught, are actually the combining of two or more words to make a new word. Don’t let this frighten you, new words are a natural part of the smart sounding process.
Let us explore some contractions which sound smart when used alone or in accordance with other words. Don’t let the word accordance frighten you.
a. ‘tis
b. ‘twas
c. ‘twill
Let us explore a conversation in which these words make their user sound intelligent. Our friend’s names will be Bob and Roscoe. For obvious reasons, we will assume ‘tis Roscoe who needs smart sounding techniques.
Bob: “sup, dude? That was some show last night huh?”
Roscoe: “ ‘twas.”
Bob: “The hell does ‘twas mean? You think yur smart or sompn? That ain’t a word.”
Roscoe: “ ‘tis so a word.”
Bob: “K, seriously, yur freaking me out. Yur some Shakespeare geek now or something? That ain’t gonna help you with the ladies.
Roscoe: “Trust me, ‘twill.”
Note how Bob complimented his friend by using the words ‘smart’, ‘Shakespeare’, and ‘ladies’. Note the difference in our characters outfits. Bob is sloppy, clad in too-large carpenter shorts and sports a soft drink while Roscoe in his humble argyle sweater only drinks flavored water. Smart? I should say so.
These are not the only contractions which give depth to sentence structure. Practice creating your own. ‘tisn’t as difficult as it may or mayn’t seem.
3. Let us move on to ‘House of’.
What does ‘house of’ mean? Let’s explore it.
House: Structure built of straw, sticks, or brick which contains things of a personal nature. Let’s shorten it to ‘personal’.
Of: Connecting word, often associated with belongings or feelings. Here we’ll focus on the word ‘feelings’.
And so we see that ‘house of’ means ‘personal feelings’. It is important to learn to properly communicate feelings as a part of sounding smart. When one is blubbering about one’s hurt feelings, the rest of us think one is dull and out of balance. Whereas, if that same one strongly stated aloud, “House of distress!” the rest of us gain immediate understanding and appreciation that this person knows what he or she wants and communicates accordingly. This is a little known technique which may or may not be highly effective. Below is a list of ‘houses’. Feel free to add your own ideas in the spaces provided.
1. House of fuming!
2. House of gnashing my teeth!
3. House of hilarity!
4. House of on cloud nine!
5. House of morbidly depressed.
6. House of rebellion!
7. House of hot and bothered!
8. _________________________________________________________
9. _________________________________________________________
10. _________________________________________________________
Take note of when an exclamation should be used.
4. Stating Statements and Declaring Declarations.
It is okay and even recommended that the words ‘statement’ and ‘declaration’ are used daily, even hourly, even minutely.
“Will you do this one special thing for me?” sounds much less intelligent than, “I declare, will you do this one special thing for me?” Also try adding the above noted exclamation, “I declare! Will you do this one special thing for me?!”
5. Redundancies.
Words are powerful, especially in clusters of sameness and alikeness. Let me demonstrate. The italicized words should be your main focus: plus and also also and then. The words plus, also, and then, form a cluster. Now repeat the sentence aloud. Note how educated you sound. This concept alone will leave people flabbergasted. They may or may not know how to respond. You might use this particular sentence like this “I’m going to the market plus and also also and then I’ll be stopping by the video store. ‘twon’t take long.” – You’re practically ready for Harvard at this point.
6. Write an essay.
Scientists may or may not believe that writing enhances speaking. And so this very and only number six is an assignment to write an essay using what you’ve learned here and read it aloud to a very important group of people – say, you’re college writing 101 class. Take the time to make it extra special, wow them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)